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BDSM has come a long way in the last 20 years. Even people who are relatively BDSM-friendly may have some wrong ideas about women who volunteer to be tied up and spanked. Outside of the BDSM scene, there are many misconceptions about submissive women. Non-kinky individuals might assume that submissive women are passive, indecisive or weak individuals who lack ambition—in other words, the anti-feminists.
But spend some time around the BDSM community, and one encounters plenty of submissive women who describe themselves as card-carrying feminists. A female submissive might be a corporate lawyer or an emergency room physician, or she might be signing a major book deal. Submissive women have a fantasy. I think that everybody who is into BDSM has some type of fantasy that they want to fulfill, and that includes submissive women.
In the end, sexuality is empowering—and you can empower people in all the diverse ways that they enjoy sexuality. Power exchanges are one of those ways. Another self-described feminist who is quite active in the BDSM community is California-based Mollena Williams, who has written and lectured about female submission extensively.
Williams stressed that there is absolutely no contradiction between the fact that she is openly submissive and the fact that she describes herself as a feminist. So the idea that your submission bleeds into the rest of your life in a way that cripples you is patently untrue.
Williams said that although BDSM is much more visible in mainstream pop culture than it was 30 or 40 years ago, female submission can still be a controversial subject—which is why, she said, a soap opera or sitcom that depicts BDSM in a lighthearted way is more likely to depict a woman as dominant rather than submissive.
The idea of a dominatrix is kind of hot and sexy to them, but seeing a submissive female makes them uncomfortable. Because female submission is still widely misunderstood, Williams said, one of her goals has been to help women realize that if they have submission fantasies, there is nothing wrong with that.
Rachel Kramer Bussel has also been doing her part to promote understanding of female submission. Bussel, a widely published sex writer and editor of two books on the subject of female submission has had much to say about her own experiences as a submissive. Being submissive can be less about kink and more about finding what turns you on—and that discovery process can be empowering.
Indeed, a considerable amount of negotiation inevitably occurs in BDSM relationships. A submissive woman might want a lot of bondage but no pain; or, on the other hand, whipping might be a big part of her fantasies. For scenes to work, you have to let go, to some extent, of that organized, take-charge persona.
You have to let go of that take-charge aspect of your personality in order for the submissive fantasy to work. Giving up power, within boundaries, for X amount of time is not societal sexism. Many BDSM-related articles have tried to shed some light on what submissive males are like both inside and outside of the dungeon—and those men have often been characterized as busy, overworked white-collar professionals who use submission as a way to unwind and escape. When the accountant or IT professional is hogtied, ballgagged and locked in a cage either by a professional dominatrix or his dominant girlfriend or boyfriend , he is temporarily liberated from all the decision-making and responsibility he faces in his professional life.
And similarly, there are submissive women who have so much responsibility working as doctors or attorneys that they need a place in their lives where they can let someone else take charge for once. But Wright said that while some submissive females do fit the profile of the overworked, stressed-out MBA, others could be anything. There are so many different kinds of women choosing to be submissive just as there are so many different kinds of women who are heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual.
There are BDSM women who only want to be dominant or only want to be submissive, but there are also female switches who enjoy being the whip-cracking dominatrix as much as they enjoy being the one getting whipped.
Switches might want to be in control some nights but other nights, being submissive is more comforting for them. Switching, in fact, even found its way to what is widely regarded as the ultimate tale of female submission: O ends up falling in love with the very dominant Sir Stephen, who isn't shy about chaining her up and whipping her.
But at the very end of the film, O appears to be switching—and the viewer is led to believe that O is finding her inner dominatrix and getting ready to put Sir Stephen on the receiving end of the whip.
The Leather Man, a West Village BDSM shop that has been open in New York City since , serves a predominantly gay clientele but has also had its share of loyal heterosexual customers over the years. Leathermen also have a lot of kinky lesbian admirers. You are mimicking male patterns of abuse.
Who would be running the scene? Who would be the top? And 99 percent of the time, they know who has the upper hand in their relationship. Most relationships are like that. How can we work that out? Williams added that in everyday life outside the dungeon, even the most dominant dungeonmaster has his submissive moments; he submits to a traffic light that has turned red, or he submits to a line at the grocery store.
Submissive kinky women are far from the shrinking violets that BDSM's critics have characterized them as being. Often they're women who know exactly what they want. Share on Facebook Share. Share on Twitter Tweet. Select additional lists by selecting the checkboxes below before clicking Subscribe:. Republicans Are Choking on Decades of Lies.