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Some people are fans of the Tampa Bay Bucs. This Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. In those seven losses, the Bucs gave up nearly five touchdowns a game. Derek Carr hung yards on them in a game where the Raiders committed 23 penalties and still won.

The Rams hung 37 on them somehow. But please keep telling me that this is an up-and-coming defense. This team still starts Chris Conte. During real games, no less! Your sexual battery case was finally dismissed after reaching an undisclosed settlement with your accuser! Finally, you can put this whole ordeal behind you. What a hardship it must have been. And here he is acting like Taylor Swift in the front row of an award show:.

Fresh off beating the rap, he had the balls to lecture a group of schoolgirls about being silent, polite, and gentle. Fuck his phony ass with a pirate flag.

I could be dead in the ground 50 years from and I swear that Ryan Fitzpatrick could still be holding down an NFL roster spot for no reason whatsoever. This team now has not one, but TWO Harvard grads on the roster.

I swooooon at the potential for elevated sideline discourse. Yes, after trading up to draft Roberto Aguayo in the second round, the Bucs had to cut him and replace him with Nick Folk…. No one should ever let this team forget about the Aguayo draft bust. This was already one of the worst picks in draft history before they released the poor bastard.

They should put a monument to the trade next to the stadium bathroom. Elsewhere on the roster, DeSean Jackson is here! On paper, the arrival of Jackson and absolute stud TE OJ Howard drafted to replace the drunk driver they originally had at that slot make the Bucs one of the best young passing teams in football. But, as someone who has watched DeSean Jackson over the years, I can assure you that every accidental fumble Winston makes is one that Jackson can make deliberately.

Mike Evans drops passes as swiftly as he drops visible Anthem protests. One of the linemen dined and dashed on a five-figure club tab. What has always sucked: Miko Grimes claimed that she deliberately got her husband cut in Miami so he could come to Tampa. You played yourself, lady. Only an idiot would scheme to leave the glistening shores of South Beach to go to live in the middle of a Dog the Bounty Hunter fancon.

She must have thought she could avoid the tax man there. Tampa is the Arizona of Florida. Tampa is a seething mass of divorcees and wannabe pirates deliberately living in the cheesiest possible area.

I took my family to Tampa for Spring Break once. Seagulls tried to eat our dinner every night and some lady brought an entire hi-fi system to the pool so she could play Bon Jovi. Tampa is the worst. The Scientologists are the most normal people there. What might not suck: There is nothing worse than waiting for decades for your team to get a potentially elite QB and then have him be an alleged rapist. Who tells groups of young girls they need to shut up and let the men lead. Apart from the pirate ship, Raymond James Stadium is unlovely in the way most stadiums are unlovely.

Are the owners soulless profiteers using the NFL revenue stream to underwrite more exciting pursuits while relying on die-hard, underserved suckers? Does this distinguish them from most NFL owners?

A Bucs fan gets grifted like everybody else. James Winston has a future of game-killing frozen-rope interceptions gifted to marginally better teams in that same Wild Card round, punctuating a career of inept local commercials, canned answers and occasional bursts of narcissistic self-exculpation and pity. But this is the story of most NFL teams: They make the morally void choice if they think the waiting list is longer than the list of season-ticket cancelations.

Every time you might want to think that his drafting signaled some catastrophically inhumane disregard in a post-wokeness society, you have to remember that his first season was the year Greg Hardy went to the Cowboys and the NFL spent a season tongue-bathing Peyton Manning in spite of the amply documented story of his smothering a woman trainer with his ass and balls to humiliate her.

Tampa and the Bucs are like any mid-tier American city and franchise, capable of inducing rage or joy depending on how you pick your spots. Yes, because it is in America. But it leans left, has good museums, good concerts, decent theater, a pretty fun party district and excellent food.

For the most part, you get what you put into it. And, for the most part, in a Sunday Ticket era and in a city full of expats, you have to try to become a fan of this team. You have to make the choice to let it hurt you. When it does, like most NFL franchises, it will disappoint you on the field and as a human being. But—like the wise local who plans weekends around the rain or street festivals and preserves his or her sanity by not reading another story about another public-transport plan torched by fossil-fuel lobbyists—you can plan around this.

Between the heat, the rain and the on-field product, you already wanted to watch from home and probably from a DVR. Take your kid to the aquarium during the game.

Then, when November and December roll around, when the weather is really beautiful and every local businessman with season tickets no longer wants to waste a Sundaygoing to see this turkey of a franchise, take a free ticket. This is a franchise that has been to the playoffs only ten times in 41 seasons. There have four head coaches in the past eight seasons along with six last place finishes, including five straight.

As a Bucs fan living in Western Canada I have to travel a pretty great distance to watch my team play. Last season I made the solo pilgrimage to Raymond James Stadium for the home opener against the Rams.

I have only one thought heading into the season: How will the Bucs fuck up this time? Do you remember that season Darelle Revis spent rehabbing in Tampa, before the team cut him so he could sign with the Patriots and win a Super Bowl?

Year Two of the New Head Coach always has the same hype. It happened with Schiano. Morris got the same love. And now Dirk Koetter is going to be The Guy to turn us around once and for all. Who knows which Doug Martin will show up this year? Roberto Aguayo is gone.

The list goes on. Once we get roasted by the Pats in Week 4, maybe then the media will stick a fork in us and we can go back to wallowing silently in mediocrity as God intended. I lived in Tampa through their shitty and good years. My dad and I used to sit on the 50 for basically three dollars and a firm handshake. Shit tickets cost you a few mortgage payments. Almost every other year they have been either terrible or a national punchline. I know being a fan is not a logical decision in any circumstance, but eventually the lack of ROI caught up to me.

A not insignificant percentage of the population are wannabe Scaramuccis. The one interesting era of our history was made into a terrible movie by Ben Affleck. About the only time I have ever been proud of Tampa was on election night in , when Hillsborough county went for Clinton. The retiree shitbags in Pinellas voted for Trump because of course they did. I hope Donald takes away all their Medicare. The only reason to go to a game is if you are a fan from out of town looking to hit the excellent strip clubs near the stadium.

This franchise is so desperate for attention, the only way it could capture any portion of the public consciousness is by becoming a Hard Knocks participant. While this may draw eyeballs from other portions of the country, it will probably fail on a grand scale directly in the greater Tampa Bay area. Few people in the Tampa area care about the Buccaneers. Those that do are probably still drunk from Putting one together in post-production for HBO is pretty easy.

Those editors will be the only people that can get anyone to care about what may happen on the field. Could they improve on last year and get in the playoffs? Just the same, they could go Chernobyl on the greater-Tampa area and nuclear burn anyone in Central Florida who may have believed in them.

There is no one on this team to root for. Unless you count rooting for Chris Conte to not give himself a concussion walking from the tunnel or to not die on the field. Whatever douche canoe executive willingly shunned embracing the orange, red, and white Bucco Bruce uniforms is the biggest criminal this franchise has ever seen.

The Bucs were so embarrassing that year that my ex would patronizingly utter this term every time something really terrible happened, akin to FML. Step in a hellish pile of dog shit?

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