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I had tried really hard up to that point to hold it back, honestly. I wanted to tell her on the first date, but I knew that would probably be weird. I still remember her reaction. She kind of gave me this half-shy, half-amused smile. Then she nodded and looked off into the sky.
I think part of me recognized that she was much smarter and more modest than me. Like most Hasidic Jews we both became religious later in life , our dating period lasted a very short time. After two months of dating, we were engaged. Three months after that, we were married. And that whole time I was swooning. This fire was burning in me, a fire that burned just like that second date: I was in love. I tried so hard to keep that fire going, to keep that emotion alight, but it got harder and harder.
And at first, it drove me nuts. That emotion meant love! That excitement was how I knew I cared for her! But suddenly, life was this grind. Even when I was with her. Especially when I was with her. And even worse, it seemed that the harder I tried to be sentimental and lovey-dovey, the less it was reciprocated.
Like, when I offered to do the dishes. Or make dinner after she had a hard day. Or, once we had a daughter, when I shared the responsibility of watching over her. But I think it had an effect on me. Because as our marriage progressed, I found myself offering to help out around the house more and more. And after each time, there would be this look she would give me.
This look of absolute love. One that was soft and so beautiful. But eventually it became clear. Through giving, through doing things for my wife, the emotion that I had been so desperately seeking naturally came about. And what was even more interesting was that once I realized this on a conscious level, and started trying to find more opportunities to give, the more we both, almost intuitively, became lovey-dovey.
That fire I felt, it was simply that: From the excitement of dating a woman I felt like I could marry. Better defined as giving. It was for me. An emotion I had in my chest. An emotion that, once had, somehow magically stays within a marriage forever. I think that might be a big part of the reason the divorce rate is so high in this country. Imagine a whole nation of people constantly chasing the emotions they had when they were dating.
A country of people trying to live a Disney movie. Well written and articulated. Imagine if most of the couples in the world were trying to help each other every day, and figure out what the other person needed from them.
If they did it in a non-threatening, loving way, I imagine there might be less divorce. The only way to combat it is banning Disney movies, huge chunks of secular literature Down with Wuthering Heights!
Down with Romeo and Juliet! Just wanted to make one small point, though: Romeo and Juliet could totally be interpreted as being about this topic. I actually saw a great performance of it in Chicago where they interpreted it as a comedy. Everyone acted very over-emotionally and over the top, especially the couple. It really showed the genius of Shakespeare. I think he got love more than he gets credit for. Why would we ban movies and , books. That sounds really stupid.
My high school English teacher did. He told us that it was a tragedy because they should have just told their parents and not killed themselves because that hurt their parents more the suicide. Sometimes this results in a loveless shell of a marriage, sometimes it does real physical harm to the wife the stigmatization of divorce means that a lot of women live in abusive situations rather than leave their abusers.
The marriages, however, stay together. Well, she did, and he abused her, and she left him. A brave thing to do in a small town. Abusive marriages suck ass.
I was in one. A woman is unlucky enough to get with an abusive or adulterous husband then what you describe is the result. In other words, they will HOPEFULLY get THEIRS. On the other hand, and I hate to admit it, just because one man abuses does not mean they all do. Hell, they are probably with all the Elle McPhersons of the world.
Nice guys like that have their pick. They want someone they can bond with, talk to, enjoy the company of, and love, whose general outlook and values they share, and whom they are attracted to. A lot of the best guys are dating or married to very average women like me. Some of them can be rehabilitated it is possible, in some cases, to wind your way back from alienation, and every couple should try , but some of them really would be better off if they ended.
Just that neither model produces consistently good marriages at a higher rate. I think he makes some good points about what love really is. My husband and I were best friends for 8 years but had always liked each other, dated for two, were engaged for one, and have been married for three. I actually do think it helped us form the kind of bond that has created a stable and successful marriage.
My only beef is with the idea that Western-style love marriage is inherently worse than a more traditional model. I read an article once. It said that marriage and God does not guarantee great sex in a relationship. Some people just do not work well that way, but that is no excuse for divorce.
The article said it better, but your post reminded me of that. Some people are unwilling to give up sex for love, or have unrealistic expectations. You need to know the person before you make such a HUGE commitment. And then when the couple is married and maybe has kids, THEN he shows his true colors. A lot of people do not reveal their true selves out of fear, or whatever reason. Not all people that paint good pictures of themselves are abusive either.
It seems you are making sweeping generalizations, but agreed that this is an awful situation for everyone involved. Ways to help negate this situation is to talk about intimate things and taking time before getting married. But to address your frustration, I do understand and I am offended you would attack me when you obviously do not know me on a level to make such a judgement. I would never wish an abusive partner on anybody.
Its not just women on the victim side. There plenty of men who may not suffer physical abuse but suffer for decades in bad marriages as victims of verbal derogatory abuse. Far and away it is the women that are abused, though. Neither one is justified or okay. Women, and I am speaking as one, can be expert manipulators and use our words as weapons.
But we each have equal capacity to misuse our natural strengths communication and physical power. Going along with this, although there is some fear and stigma of abuse altogether — women receive much more societal support for dealing with it and reporting it.
Also, I think the way society views abuse is skewed. Society even portrays this idea sometimes in T. Guess what…THAT is physical abuse. Not a comedic moment. Is the guy going to report it?
As a psychiatrist, patience is an invaluable skill that I teach all my psychotherapy clients. Frustration is not the key to any door. Patience is a lifelong spiritual practice as well as a way to find emotional freedom.
We need a new bumper sticker: Every morning, noon, and night there are plenty of good reasons to be impatient. How to deal with it all? You can drive yourself crazy, behave irritably, feel victimized, or try to force an outcome--all self-defeating reactions that alienate others and bring out the worst in them.
Or, you can learn to transform frustration with patience. Patience has gotten a bad rap for the wrong reasons. To frustrate means to obstruct or make ineffectual. Emails zip across the globe in seconds. Parents text messages to their kids to come in for dinner instead of yelling from a front porch. You can get the temperature in Kuala Lumpur or the Malibu Beach surf report with a click of a mouse. Without patience, you turn into your own worst taskmaster.
You treat spouses and friends as disposable instead of devoting the necessary time to nurture love. Frustration prevents emotional freedom. Expressing frustrations in an effort to resolve them is healthy, but it must be done from a non-irritable, non-hostile place. Wallowing in frustration leads to endless dissatisfaction, placing us at odds with life.
This emotion makes us tense, kills our sense of humor. It also leads to procrastination ; we put things off to avoid the annoyances involved. Conquering frustration will revive your emotional life by making it your choice how you handle daily hassles and stresses. Intuition intelligently informs patience. With regard to this, I strive for enormous patience; anything less would impede healing. Whereas frustration focuses on externals, patience is a drawing inward towards a greater wisdom.
Rather, it lets you intuit the situation to get a larger, more loving view to determine right action. I do it all time to turn frustration around in long lines.
I advise my patients to do this too. To turn the tables on frustration, find a long, slow-moving line to wait in. Perhaps in the grocery store, bank, post office. Instead of getting irritated or pushy, which taxes your system with a rush of stress hormones , take a breath. Smile and say a few nice words to the other beleaguered people in line. Use the time to daydream; take a vacation from work or other obligations. Notice the stress release you feel, how your body relaxes.
Lines are an excellent testing ground for patience. To strengthen this asset, I highly recommend standing in as many as possible. Practicing patience will help you dissipate stress and give you a choice about how you respond to disappointment and frustration. When you can stay calm, centered and not act rashly out of frustration, all areas of your life will improve.
Thank you so much for your encouraging article! Patience is really the virtue that we must cultivate. Today, impatience has been around us. Sometimes, we're frustrated and impatient for many reasons. We easily loses patience. But we should think that we cannot always control everything. Thanks again for this wonderful post! I came across your article and could not agree more. I like the way you broke down the components of frustration and how lack of coping skills concerning frustration can really negatively impact one's life.
I am a licensed therapist and addictions specialist. Frustration tolerance distress tolerance is at the heart of what I teach clients. In fact, I just wrote a four part blog post on healing and next week part four is about forbearance and its' presenting gifts in recovery and healing.
I used weapon word for patience as it killed all negativity and damage all possibility to disrurb the mental peace of human being. Patience control all hindrances under its garb. Persons exercising this are the most happy and contented ones. To make Nation prosperous, it is the most needed thing what is to be imbibed by each and everyone of us. Find a Therapist Therapists: Log In Sign Up. The importance of patience as a coping skill and how to achieve it.
I will forward this article as it is so helpful. Patience Submitted by Brian Ventham on July 24, - 1: Nice blog, I will use some of this in my bible study on patience if I may. Power of Patience Submitted by Dr. Neeru Joshi on October 23, - 4: Patience is the most powerful weapon: Neeru Joshi on October 23, - 5: Post Comment Your name.
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