Christie, kind of off-topic here but what is your opinion on the number of newly divorced people who jump right into online dating? I encounter so many women who have. I recently received an email from a female reader seeking my input on a situation that she's dealing with. She's a single woman without kids who's dating a divorced. When I met my now ex-husband Mike, I had just turned I was a virgin then, and I was a virgin when we divorced.
Maybe you met online…maybe through work. Vindictive ex-wife or soon-to-be ex-wife. His kids are unhappy. And he feels the same way. Everything is great, fine, wonderful…. Oh well, you say to yourself, maybe he had a busy day at work. We all have deadlines. But then he cancels plans. Unlike him to not give you notice or find some workaround. But he said his ex has a last minute business trip and he has to take care of the kids.
He loves spending time with you! He says he needs time…. Falling into the rebound trap is a painful thing to go through, it really does put your heart through the wringer.
But there are some key differences between rebound relationships and relationships with long term potential. Rebound relationships might have all the comforts of being in a relationship such as physically intimacy, and the social perks of dating such as fun and recreation. But the thing that is often missing is a sense of depth and open and honest outlook toward the future. Or if there is a sense of depth and outlook toward the future in a rebound relationship, it is often short-lived. In other words, one week he might tell you he sees a future with you and even take steps toward demonstrating that sort of commitment like introducing you to his family but the next week you notice a definite shift in is energy — he pulls away or goes AWOL.
Before I move on, though, let me just say that short-term, recreational, just-for-fun dating is not bad in and of itself. This is assuming that the guy is conscious and forthright about just wanting to date for fun right now. He might be saying through his words or his actions that this is what he wants because this is what he wants right now.
Here are some other guidelines:. If you feel some level of discomfort about the pace of the relationship, for example, the relationship is going too fast or too slow for your comfort, pay attention to that; your feelings are an indication of something.
And then really tune in. Tune in to discern if your discomfort is insecurity or if it is coming from a grounded place. Intuition feels right, it has a grounded, affirming tone to it. And intuition tends to be rather neutral and unemotional. Whereas fear and insecurity is highly emotionally charged. She also has a great suggestion for how to practice noticing the difference because it does take practice! After that, it will be easier to recognize when a gut feeling is referring to one of your fears.
Also, practice feeling it in your body. What does your intuition feel like in your body? And what does insecurity and fear feel like in your body? Notice and tune in. Your needs, wants and requirements serve as your guideposts, the things that you hold true to you. Knowing your needs and requirements help you more clearly discern whether they are being met and honored in your relationship.
There are usually some telltale signs when a guy is not emotionally available and not over his previous relationship. If he still harbors a lot of emotionally energy around his previous relationship, sadness or bitterness or other demonstrations of being emotionally occupied with his ex, rather than being more matter-of-fact about it, it could mean that he still has some unresolved emotional baggage. Oftentimes, he just wants to have his short-term needs met and so there may be a lot of physical connection, maybe even a strong spiritual and emotional connection, but no lasting emotional connection.
He might look like he needs you. He might even say that he needs you. But what happens to crutches once a broken foot heals? Only he can manage and control his own pain. Compassion is different from control. The desire to control is ultimately based in fear and in self-sabotaging beliefs.
If you let go of trying to heal or protect him from the pain of his divorce, or let go of trying to rescue him—if you let go of the notion that he NEEDS you—what does that ultimately mean about you?
These were questions that I had really struggled with in the past. I unconsciously fell in love with guys who seemed to have a lot of problems. I was drawn to them like a magnet. I thought I could save them. I made it my purpose. I had gotten attached to people needing me because it fed my sense of self-worth.
Could you be attached? Could your sense of self-worth be tied up in outcomes over which you have no control? If you want step-by-step guidance on how to overcome your relationship challenges, stay true to who you are and what you want!
Your contact info will never be sold. Your advice is so insightful! He and his ex were separated for a while before that, but lived together for financial reasons. After the divorce she moved out. We started out slow, but I could feel myself falling for him and he told me he loved me just a few weeks after our first date.
They were emotionally distant for a couple of years before the separation. He has expressed interest in going to counseling to talk about his pain regarding his kids and the best way to handle their questions and sadness.
I am looking for a committed relationship that will eventually lead to marriage. I feel that this man could be the one for me, but I know that it will require a lot of patience and understanding on my part while he goes through all of these difficult transitions. This is not based on facts, but more on a feeling I have.
My question for you is — how long should a gal be patient with a newly divorced man while he goes through some of these hard situations with his kids? Is it normal in all relationships for there to be a period at the beginning when things are still a little ambiguous?
Or is it better in this situation to just step back and let him be alone so he can deal with it all? Hi Paige, Thanks so much for your question! I feel your confusion and frustration. These decisions are really tough. Kids are kind of on their own timeline. To respond to your other concern about whether he will ever be ale to involve you and your daughter: And how would you know when he is deeply involved? According to stepfamily research, on average it takes 4 to 7 years for a stepfamily to actually function and feel like a family.
I encourage you to look at your lived experience with him. Do you have the information and experience with him to make the determinations that you want to make? I go into this more in my guide. Another question you had is whether ambiguity is a given at this time in a relationship.
I would say not necessarily. Some people are more forthright and clear about their readiness for a relationship and what they want in a relationship, others are not. What makes for an ambiguous situation is not knowing what the next step is.
When it gets frustrating is when we rely on the other person to give us the information that we need. Then, we have to base our decisions on the information that we do have and the information from our own knowing: Are you putting too much pressure on him? Is it right for you to do this, to ask for what you want, to ask where this is going?
It is totally fair to ask at this point, I think. Have you talked to each other about your individual life visions? What do you personally need to know in order to know whether you want to stay or go? But also know that he might not be ready or available to give you what you want or need. Or he might not know what his next step is.
And so whether you stay or go is completely up to you. I invite you to think about: What are your needs and requirements in order for a relationship to be fulfilling for you? And if some of your needs are not being met, are you willing to go for some time without those needs being met or are you not willing to? I hope this helps! Thank you so much for your thoughtful response, Melissa. It certainly gave me a lot to think about. We spoke about it and he confirmed that even though he loves being with me, he really does need to take some time to work through things on his own.Ask a Black Woman. If you meet a cute divorced guy, be on the lookout for Dating and newly divorced following Red Flags: Who told you about us? My name is Weslie Vivian am from Canada i am very happy for the wonderful work Dr bolingo has done for me i got married to my lovely husband last year February and we have a lovely son. Using eHarmony Account Settings Dating American dating russian women eHarmony Feature Guided Communication Online Date Tips Success Couples. Children and the effects of divorce The effects of divorce Dating and newly divorced children is a hot topic these days - one about which everyone seems to have an opinion. My friend dated this man for 4 years and met him while he was going through his divorce from his ex-wife and the mother of his 3 sons.